Invincible Me!

There is a secret. A secret I have grown up with. It has given me strength all these years. I have never told anyone of this secret. May be that is why it has worked? Or is it something everyone has? I am letting it out today! Why? I think it has stopped working. It was a simple one, I believed I was INVINCIBLE. Since I was a kid I had an innate faith in myself. I could just change it around IF I wanted it. Being a smart and lazy kid, I did not want to change it around all the time. Whenever things have gone awry, I have been able to put them right. I knew I could and they would simply untangle and become alright! But I think it has gone. I don't feel invincible anymore. There is something I have put my heart and soul into and yet it remains unchanged even if I have wanted to change it.

When ever I saw one of those movies where one of the partners is too involved with their work and the other felt ignored, I knew I would never be either of them. I would respect my partner's work and ambition and I would most certainly choose a partner who respected mine. Yet, here I stand. Trying hard to balance my work and my relationship. I did not know when I became "one-of-those" women! And no, there is nothing wrong in being one but I guess I never saw myself in the list. And this is where the secret has failed. It doesn't work. How I wish I could put it right since I so badly want to. But to no avail.

First I wonder, When did I become so ambitious? So ambitious so as to put my work ahead of my relationship? something I have never done or have thought of doing! Is there another change in the offing?

Then I struggle with putting it all right.

May be i'll discover a new secret and all will be fine!!

"Oh! There You Are"

I had quite forgotten how it is to be in a full blown relationship. Flings? Oh! I can write a thesis on any hypothesis pertaining to them. Aplenty flings and in numerous learning. I had successfully made myself believe that when ever I would come to something closer to a relationship, I would positively be able to define the course of it and now I sit and laugh out loud when I think of us. Here I am, sitting at my office chair and waiting for your phone call. My eyes, invariably focus towards my phone. This was so not the course I had thought of and I say this with a smile and great warmth in my heart.

You are everything I am not and I am everything you would not want to be and yet somehow we fit. We don't understand the most simple of things explained with simplest of words but our one look to each other is enough to explain what is going on in the heart. We may not dance with each other in the party but we go looking for each other to offer a drink after a mind boggling dance number. We may not wait to eat together but we cook for each other(or in my case make cold coffee :)). We may not take the same auto rickshaw to work but we wait for each other to go to work together(even if it means, me waiting for you to meticulously wear your shoes and tie the laces to perfection or you waiting for me till I lazily get dressed). We may not watch the same movies or like the same actors but you make sure you stop surfing if Salman Khan is on screen.
If this is the relationship course then thank god for that. I would not ask for any other.

I have finally found my sunshine!

..then there was faith

The world did not end.
I am breathing. I can feel the blood in my veins.
I can feel my shivering hand.
How I am alive? I always thought the world would collapse when you left.
Collapse, it did. Not the entire world. But, my world.
There was a void before you entered my world, But I wasn't aware.
Then you came, filled it with light, love and faith.
Now you are gone. And I sit in darkness.
I have love, just mine. Your's left with the light.
Now what do I do with this faith?
Neither do I understand it nor accept it.
I can't throw it away, it has a part of you. A part of you that defined me.
But your definition of me is choking me and I wrench the faith away.
There I was faithless, light less with my heart full of love.
I walked taking that love as my crutches.
Oh. I was disgusted. Threw them away.
There I was faithless, light less and now.... loveless.
I glowed in the dark as bright as me. I couldn't see in the dark, walk without my crutches but then there was faith.

Why

Can the air above the river feel it breeze away?
The silent touch, that leaves it a part of its love.
The part which would redefine it.
Its no longer the dry, sundry air,
Its been touched. It has a swagger of the teenager in love, of the sunflower's glow in the spring.
Its purpose has changed.
Yet, the river flows unchanged.
No, its not the ignorance nor is it the haughty one.
There is a whirlpool inside which the air can't touch.
"You can take in the rocks but not me?", asks the sir, kissing the river.
"Yes. As they stay un moved with the whirlpool in me. But you get lost and don't hold me."
"I am water and yet there is fire when you touch me but what a pity that as grand as you are, you can't ever hold me."

As I write this, I realize how similar you and I are to them.
Such shivering closeness and yet I feel this heat.
Your eyes wander on my face and search my eyes for the reflection of my feelings.
It is the intensity of it that burns my soul.
I want to give myself up and yet I know I'll fall unwanted through a sieve.

Human Me.

I have thought much of our fumbling attempts to come to terms with idea of mortality. Heaven, paradise, another life, children, work...GOODNESS- so many drugs to counter that terrible disease. And yet we live as if our existence is endless, as it matters, as if the "I" is of infinite significance.

We, stupid human beings, are filled with pride in this "I", in it's uniqueness. It is true we are unique, we are, more than any other organism, differentiated and particular.

But is it not exactly the same "US" that ceases to exist with a greater finality than any other creature in this universe.

It seems to me that we humans are fated to be stranger to one another. BUT.. Our identities do not contain just us. By ourselves we mean NOTHING. An identity becomes active, positive and meaningful only in relation to others. The whole potential of who we are and what we are is realised only through our relationship with others.